During my divorce, an advisor told me it would take some work to unmingle my financial accounts from my husband's.
It was the first time I had heard that word, and it stayed with me. It was such a simple way to describe something that was actually quite complicated.
We had spent years combining parts of our lives. Our finances, routines, plans, responsibilities, and expectations had become intertwined. Now, I had to begin separating what belonged to me from what we had built together.
Another word I encountered during my divorce was unmarried. The divorce decree stated that I was "returned to my unmarried state." A friend told me she loved that wording. To her, it felt like being returned to her own identity—to the person she was before the marriage.
I began thinking about how much of ourselves becomes mingled with the people, places, and experiences that shape our lives.
What Does It Mean to Unmingle?
When we become part of a relationship, a family, a workplace, or a community, our lives begin to merge with others. We adopt routines, share responsibilities, develop expectations, and sometimes take on ways of thinking and behaving that weren't originally our own.
Over time, these things become part of how we see ourselves.
Then something changes.
A relationship ends. We leave a job. We move away. We step out of a role we've held for years.
Suddenly, we're faced with the task of discerning which parts of that life we want to keep and which parts we're ready to leave behind.
We have to unmingle.
The Process of Separating Who We Are
Unmingling isn't always easy. It can be painful to separate our identity from something that has been part of our lives for so long.
We may miss the routines, the familiarity, or even the person we were during that time. We may question which interests, habits, and beliefs are truly ours and which ones developed because of the life we shared with someone else.
And sometimes, we discover that we don't want to return to the person we were before.
We want to become someone new.
That's an important distinction. Finding ourselves again doesn't necessarily mean going backward. It means deciding intentionally what we want to carry forward.
We can keep the experiences that shaped us, the lessons we've learned, and the parts of ourselves we still value. We can release the expectations, habits, and roles that no longer reflect who we want to be.
Unmingle the Future, Too
One of the hardest parts of a major life transition is recognizing that we're not only letting go of what was. We're also letting go of what we thought would be.
We had plans. We had an image of our future. We may have imagined who we would become, where we would live, and what our lives would look like years from now.
When that future changes, we have to unmingle ourselves from that image, too.
We have to make room for a different possibility.
That doesn't mean the years we spent building that life were wasted. It means we are allowed to create something different with what we've learned.
We can take what belongs to us and leave behind what no longer does.
Begin Again, Intentionally
Whether you're leaving a relationship, changing careers, stepping away from a familiar role, or simply recognizing that you've outgrown a version of yourself, give yourself permission to take the time to unmingle.
Ask yourself:
What parts of my life still reflect who I am?
What have I adopted from others that I no longer want to carry?
Which routines, expectations, or roles am I ready to release?
What do I want my life to look like now?
You don't have to figure it all out at once. Unmingling is a process of noticing, choosing, and gradually creating a life that feels like your own.
Sometimes, moving forward isn't about becoming a completely different person.
It's about separating who you are from who you had become, so you can intentionally decide who you want to be.
You are allowed to keep what matters, release what no longer fits, and create a future that belongs to you.
